i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
