I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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