When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
