i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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