I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
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