Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
