You're my little dorito
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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