Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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