i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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