ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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