What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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