then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
