He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
