how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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