i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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