it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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