You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
