On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Randomize
