Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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