I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
