At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
