she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
