Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
