saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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