he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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