I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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