Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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