I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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