Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
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