True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
