If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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