I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
