I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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