White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
