I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
