no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
