Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
