Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
