I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
