I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
