I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
