Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Drunk is not a location!
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