Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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