my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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