at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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