woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
