I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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