Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
