Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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