i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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