She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
