you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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