I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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