All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
