I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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